Insecurities

I can't help it. I try not to repeat the same mistakes I've made in past relationships, wanting reassurance all the time. Of wanting to hear the good things over and over again, assuming that if such things were not being said, it's because they were not being thought.

Looking back at my last relationship, I know a lot of the conflicts were my fault, for the exact reason above. Except when I sought such answers, I would often come back empty handed, with none, which needless to say would then lead to more questioning (even if sometimes those questions were never asked out loud).

Now, with Pretty Boy, I find myself falling into this old pattern. Am I insecure? I try to believe that I am not. I think I am an amazing person, that any guy should be thankful to have. I have wonderful qualities, and the time I spent single left me wondering how can others not see them too. And now that I have finally found someone that appreciates all these qualities, I then choose to spend my time second guessing myself, worrying when the spell is going to end, and he'll realize that I have my faults too. I am, after all, just human.

Don't get me wrong -- the insecurities, the over-thinking, the worrying... It's all unfounded. He has yet to give me a reason to worry. However, I still cannot stop waiting for my next heart break. It could be because it is all so great. Nothing that good can last forever, right? Right?

I keep bracing myself for the day he'll get tired of me, when my jokes will no longer be funny and the time we spent together will be overbearing, instead of exciting.

And I absolutely hate myself for my inability to enjoy the moment, even if it doesn't last. Specially because if it does last and fifty years from now I am looking back to the days when our love was still young, I want to be able to have wonderful memories, and not instead remember what a wonderful insecure mess I was.

And I hate that speaking these insecurities out loud, led to a Valentines Day card describing all of the things he hopes I feel (such as security), instead of the things I was hoping to read (such as how HE feels). And that just made me worry even more. It's a vicious cycle and I cannot seem to get it to stop.

I am scared and have no rational reason for these fears. And am afraid that if I don't get them to stop, I will ruin the best thing that ever happened to me.