Seeing the ex

The ex. He just got engaged a couple of weeks ago (I'd link to my previous post, if I wasn't typing this from work where my own blog is blocked).

I hadn't seen him in 1.5 years. I saw him over the weekend for a couple of hours at the beach while he stopped by to say hello to our group of friends.

My first thought was "OMG, he got fat" He gained about 30lbs if not more. He had already warned me of it, but it's different actually seeing it. I went over gave him a hug and the obligatory congrats, I'm happy for you. I had no feelings -- no butterflies in my stomach, no desire to be with him. But I was nervous and shaking a bit, I didn't know why. Maybe because it's been so long, maybe because he was the person I've loved the most. Maybe because seeing him caught me off guard. Maybe because I was pissed off that after this long, the first time he sees me I'm wearing a bathing suit with my wobbly bits in full glory. But maybe because the fact that I had no feelings overwhelmed me.

I went into the ocean for a bit, to distract myself, clear my head. I was insanely happy! Not because I was seeing him, but because I was seeing him and felt nothing.

We all went back to the house, and he was sitting across the table from me. Sunglasses were off, and now I could see his eyes -- that had always been my favorite feature of him, the blue eyes, that from up close had many different shades, the eyes I called my "marble eyes" the ones I could stare into for hours. It was weird hearing his voice, seeing his smile, hearing his laugh, staring at those eyes. Though I'm no longer in love with him, he is so familiar to me, that it did cause my heart to break a little bit more. I couldn't even explain why. I don't want him back, even if he was single, even if he was moving back to my little side of the world, in these two years (and this month it has been two years) I have come to realize we were not right for each other. Maybe we would've been happy, who knows? But we weren't meant to be. I don't want him back. He doesn't want me back. We're over each other.

So why was it so hard having him sit across from me? Memories of the time we were together were flashing through my head, and they haven't stopped since. His smell, the feeling of his arms around me, the way he used to look into my eyes. And there he is in front of me, almost a stranger now, and yet he is still so familiar. I still know him so well, and he knows me. And this familiarity is heart breaking.