Feeling down, down, down...

The past couple of weeks (maybe months?) have been hard. Work gets a little bit worse every day -- when I think it can't possibly get any worse, it somehow manages to. The only thing I can think of when I think I'm having a horrible day at work is that no worries, today is not as bad as tomorrow will be.

My personal life hasn't been going great either. I've been lonely, with a terrible feeling that I have no friends -- while a couple of months ago that was something I had no complaints about, since then things have gone downhill. I spent my last weekend home both nights on Friday and Saturday. Because I had nothing to do, no one to do it with. Though I didn't mind it so much on Saturday, after all I was in a bit of pain after injuring myself playing volleyball, on Friday I was ready to go! Went to the county fair with a couple of friends, under the assumption we'd be going out afterwards, except I was (literally) uninvited to the night out. So I was home a bit after 9pm. On a Friday night. And couldn't help feeling like a loser. At (almost) 28, and now I feel like a loser? Don't people go through that in high school?

So things have been pretty bad, to say the least. One of the friends that a couple of months ago was (or so I thought) one of my closest friend, turned out to be not even a friend, much less a good one. After I had to defend myself from accusations of lying (and it's hilarious, because I'm such a blunt person that I don't do well with the whole lying thing), I was hurt. I could no longer trust this person who would refuse to trust (and believe) me. I was uncomfortable. I tried to act like things were normal, but they were not. I couldn't joke around, I couldn't be myself, I felt like I had to walk on eggshells. The friendship, as it was, had ended. And it was that friend, who on Friday night, uninvited me for the night out: "We're going out, but you can't come" and after laughing thinking it was a joke, had to put my tail in between my legs when I realized that it wasn't one. I really was not welcomed.

And all these things happened and I have no one to talk to. Through my own doing, this friend is now part of my group of friends -- I can't really complain to our common friends, not only I'll come out as the "bitch" but I'm also not comfortable complaining about a friend to a common friend of ours, I know I don't like when my friends do that to me, so I have the sense not to do that to one of my friends. So here I am, caught in my own little world. No one to talk to. No friends.

At the boy-side things haven't been great either. After writing the blog below, he went back to ghost-land. True, he was out of town for a week, but it doesn't change the fact that it was about 5 days after he got back in town until we saw each other again. That a phone call to him on Friday night, went unanswered and unreturned. And though when he's with me, he's as sweet as he can be, I know I should no longer pay attention of how he acts when he's with me, but how he acts when I'm not around -- and his lack of interest or eagerness to see me again.

So of course, all of this has to happen at once. When it rains it really does pour, doesn't it?

And yesterday, shortly after getting home from work, I went to bed, reading a book, and doze off before 6pm, only waking up with the alarm this morning. So Wednesday night went by and I really didn't miss anything. No phone calls to answer, no text messages in, no new emails on my inbox. I can get home from work, sleep and only wake up the next morning, and still not miss anything going on in my life. Because nothing happens anymore, nothing good anyway. Same shit, different day, that's really all that is left now.

And of course, it doesn't help that I get into work today, and yep, somehow it did manage to be worse than it was yesterday. But oh, we know it's not as bad as tomorrow, no worries.