I feel like I live through my friends. Does anyone else do that? When they're happy, I'm happy, but when they're sad, even if I have no problems of my own, I end up absorbing all that they're feeling, like a sponge, really.
A friend of mine is going through a really tough time -- her boyfriend passed away last month in one of those things, that if he was older, he would probably still be alive. I really do think that if he had been 60 and not 30, the doctors would have done a battery of exams when he showed up at the emergency room with pain, instead of just doing a few tests, and after not finding the cause of it, sending him back home only to have him die a few hours later. Of course, shortly after he passed his parents told my friend that he was planning a proposal this month, and gave her the engagement ring that was supposed to be hers.
So she's been devastated since. Family doesn't get it, undermining her pain not understanding why she's crying for a "boy" that she is young and will move on. Other friends are telling her that she should in fact stopped being depressed already and move on.
I'm the only one saying, it's been a few weeks -- if you feel like crying, then cry. One day you'll wake up and the pain will be just a tad bit less, and every day after that it'll hurt just a little bit less, but if that day is not today, no need to be in a hurry for it, you need to grieve to get over it. And I add that she can tell me anything, and I won't judge, I'll just listen and try to say helpful words, but I won't tell her to stop sharing her feelings.
So that's when things get bad. At first the "I wish I didn't wake up tomorrow" emails didn't really bother me much -- I know how much I've cried for boys in my past who dumped me, but the fuckers are still alive and breathing, I can't even imagine if the one who actually thought of spending the rest of his life with me dropped dead all of a sudden. I'm sure I'd be just a big mess too.
But now I'm getting the "I want to die, and I think I should do something about it" emails. Now we all know that loads of people have gone through what she's going through, and yep, time does heal it all. But now I'm seriously worried that she won't give time a chance. What if she does do something stupid? I'm not ready to lose my friend, but my words are definitely not going through to her.
So here I am, stressed about my own problems and worried out of my mind about my friend. And the worst part of it all, what makes me feel like a terrible friend, is that the more I hear this, the less I try to be there for her. Not because I don't want to help, not because I don't know she needs me, but because I am in fact a sponge, and I let her words, her feeling affect my life to the point I am too sad -- and that forces me to do my own thing, go play volleyball, keep myself even more busy, so that I can keep my sanity. Now how can I be there for her, but still make sure I let myself live my life? I can't seem to figure it out.
(Ah, and for those of you wondering she is getting professional help, but that hasn't really worked so far.)
I'll try posting something more cheerful tomorrow, I promise!
Posts
4 comments:
yesterday, one of my very close friend's dog was taken to the emergency room, and it was very touch and go. I was a mess, almost as much as she was. So I know how you feel.
However, if you are worried, then you probably have a reason to be. May I suggest you talk to her parents or someone else who is very close to your friend so they can be there for her and stress that she needs to see someone. I understand that it's hard, but when there's talk of THAT, please try to do something. I'm sure there are help websites and stuff that have advice for friends. Good luck, sweetie.
This just breaks my heart...that poor, poor woman. And I don't know what kind of karma the people saying "just get over it" have, but that CANNOT be good for it.
You're a good friend.
Carrie: her parents live out of the country, the family she has here lives out of state and they're the ones not being very supportive. I've asked her if she wants me to talk to anyone, be it her family, other friends, her boyfriend's family or her therapist for support, but she prefers that I don't, so I don't have their contact information... She told me that her therapist has been calling her every day now to make sure she's hanging in there.
INPY: Yes, I do feel awful for more friend, no one our age should be going through this -- you expect to lose your grandparents and your parents at some point but only to lose your loved one after growing old with him/her. I know tragedies like this happen every day to a lot of people, but it doesn't make it any easier for her knowing she's not alone.
That's awful. Life can be so completely unfair. You only hope that the people who have to suffer have people like you to look out for them and take care of them.
Post a Comment