Was he IT?

Some of my friends I met through my ex, who now lives out of the country. They're awesome, but of course, the downside of hanging out with them, is that sometimes I hear things I don't necessarily want to know, such as that my ex, D, might get married to his current girlfriend.

Here is the thing... I am over him, I've been over him for a while, we broke up almost 2 years ago. He's not the last guy I dated, not the last one I kissed, not the last one I slept with.

But what makes everything so hard is that he is the last one who swept me off my feet.

When I met him everything happened really fast. I met him on a Wednesday, our second date that Friday night ended Monday night when I finally went home (yes, sounds very slutty, doesn't it?), two days later he was already introducing me as his girlfriend. Things moved fast -- we both knew he was being transfered in 6 months, so our time together, to find out whether we were right for each other, was limited.

So take any normal relationship where things happen in its due time, and make it much more intense, much faster paced. We spent an absurd amount of time together, I met his parents, he met my parents (something not as casual as it sounds, considering my parents live in another country). I heard how his father told him "we love her, don't let this one go." We talked about marriage, kids and our future.

By the end of those 6 months, there was no doubt in my mind that he was "it" -- I had dated other guys before him, and had some much longer lasting relationships, and with them, I was never really sure whether they were the right thing for me. With D, I knew it, no doubt about it, that we would be insanely happy together. We just fit.

He was IT. We were meant to be together. We just were. He was everything I had been looking for.

The goodbye at the airport was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. He was flying out of NYC, so I went there to spent his last couple of days with him. We both embarrassed the hell out of ourselves when we were crying in front of the whole JFK airport, and we didn't care. We loved each other, we just did, but I couldn't help but be consumed with fear, afraid that he would forget about me once his plane landed halfway across the world, afraid that he was going to return married to someone else. Seems like my fears were not unfounded. The funny thing about me is that I have really good intuition when it comes to these things, scarily enough, my fears are never unfounded.

I was willing to give the long-distance thing a shot. As I said, I had no doubt he was the one for me, so I'd wait. Two weeks after he left, I got a phone call, where, in tears, he told me he couldn't do it. He couldn't live his life in another country, knowing that part of him would be so far away, and it would be better to break things off. He had to be able to live a life there, and he was going to be there for 2 years after all, and he couldn't do that while still trying to live a life with me. It was one of the hardest conversations I've ever had -- I never doubted his feelings, I knew he loved me, no doubt that he was being genuine. We were both bawling on the phone, but there was nothing I could do but hope for the best. I've always told him that if we were meant to be, we'd be. If not, then obviously there were better suited people out there waiting for each of us.

It took me a year to be completely over him. Every guy I met I'd compare to him, and I'd try dating, but he was so perfect -- not perfect as in the actual sense of the word, but perfect for me -- that it made it really hard finding someone else I could connect with.

A year ago today, I found out he was dating someone where he was stationed and it still hurt like someone punched me on the stomach -- we were obviously not meant to be. He had moved on.

At the end of last year I was out with his friends (yep, all his friends, still hang out with me -- they're my friends now too) and one of his friends mentioned his name -- something about his myspace page. My first thought was "have I met this D? I don't think I've met D yet" (they have tons of friends from back in the day that I haven't met yet) and one of the other girls mentioned "which D?" "Oh, DG" -- and then I thought "Oh, that's my D. Wow, hanging out with his friends, someone mentions his name, and I don't automatically think of him. I really AM over him" It was such a good feeling. Liberating even.

And then today, months after this realization, I'm thinking about him. Seems like he's getting married to someone else. What hurts me the most, is not really that I'm still in love with him. I'm not, it has been almost two years, you know? I don't think about him everyday, and he rarely crosses my mind. But he was still the last guy I fell in love with, the last one who swept me off my feet, who I saw a future with, who I believed, with all my heart, was IT.

And that makes me think -- what if he really was IT, but the timing wasn't on my side, and I'll never find the right guy?

Sure, sure, you're all thinking "well, you have many years ahead of you" But here it is, two years without falling in love, who says it won't be another two? Or another twenty? What if he really was IT, my chance of finding the perfect guy for me, the one who would truly make me happy?

And then I remind myself, of those words I told him two years ago while crying my eyes out at the airport: "If it's meant to be, it'll be. If not, there's someone out there who will makes us happier."

So it wasn't meant to be. He's not the "one" for me. So why is it so hard to believe in my own words? To believe that hope is not lost, that I'll be swept off my feet when I least expect it?

At the end of the day, all I really want is to fall in love again.